Thoughts - Deep, Down, Inside…

Migration is inevitable. Please leave your comments ok?

Here are my true thoughts, feelings and 100% raw rants.

http://zicheng.wordpress.com/

Alright I found out that it has been AGES since I have last entered this place to blog.

I don’t really have alot of ideas this time round to start all the ra-ra and all the huh-zi-cheng-I-don’t-understand-what-you-are-talking-about-again feelings in me. Its not the late night deep emo burst I have again. I just feel that I should keep this place alive.

So get ready for some random thoughts.

It is not that I have nothing to say, that nothing big has happened and everything is fairytale-like to me. NO! It just that all my burdens has now become not my burden anymore. It has become God’s burden. I only need to pray. So all my words went into prayers instead of coming to here. So literally thank God, ’cause now your eyes can have more rest instead of reading all my ra-ras and complaints.

Easter was nothing like before this year. It has become from a day of anger, denial and uneasiness to a day of joy, peace and sacrifice. Those of you who knows, knows, and it was a great performance wasn’t it? Only if the whole world was there…I really think that the professionalism of all the actors could outdo those in the profession! It was a total eye-opener for me. All through God’s strength. And of course, met a few nice peeps there as well! I can’t believe we actually spent more time talking to each other than rehearsing actually. It was kinda sad that this whole thing had to end and we all had to go back to our CGs scattered all over Singapore. I’m missing those times already…

Pastor said it is only during times of satisfaction, and not times of lack, that we tend to forget about God. How true. I experienced the departure of His presence during times of satisfaction. And it is scary.

I need a helper in my life like how Adam got his in Eden. But let it not tempt me away from You.

Life is getting on in a circle. Viscous cycle. A cycle running on battery, lights are getting weaker as it goes by. I’m tired.

I’m tired of guessing if the helper is the one You sent. Show me soon, please. Let me be so sure of it, for I know if there are doubts, that’s not it.

For the one You send, let it possible for both of us to walk together in Your way.

But I know i shouldn’t be worrying about that. I need to put You first, and everything else shall be given to me.

Change.

Sometimes you feel that some place is really so so so SOOOO horrendous, SOOOO sickening that you should not even be at that place at all. I thought so. I thought the place could probably was really that bad, with absolutely no Pity, no Humanity, with just junks and dumps and tons of Work and Stress and Shit. I thought it probably could be the worst place on Earth when individuals were often punished, not punished as in punished, but punished severely, for the most minute mistake that anybody and anyone could commit, despite all the credits that were supposed to go to him for all the hard work and commitment. I thought I had been in the worst place on Earth for the past two years., working for the wrong people and for the wrong reason.

Yeah, I thought.

Sometimes nostalgia brings about the heartwarming, tingy feeling that renews our everyday. I can only conclude that Humanity does exist on this Earth. It is only in time of crisis when we see the true Human Spirit. Some times we don’t see it, but it is actually being practised. I realised and found out today. This is a wonderful world, thank God.

Only during times of trouble and danger does one knows how blessed he is:

1.    I was so touched when both parents and all close friends rushed down to the hospital once they got the news that I was involved in a traffic accident.

2.    I am so glad that I am stilL very much ALIVE!!!

3.    I was so touched when one of my long time friend, who also had a Class 2B license, came immediately with his car to help me locate my bike. He agreed so steadily to even bring my bike home when asked. I mean, a long time no see friend, was so ready to help me! He even sent me and my parents to the police station after everything, in which was already about 12 midnight already. He was really a great help that night. Thanks Hadi!

4.    I am so thankful that my pillion, a close friend, was not injured in the accident. He only got a bump on his butt. He was a pillion, and I was the rider, mind you! I wouldn’t know how to face his parents if anything were to happen to him.

5.    I am so thankful that the caring uncle driving a white van behind me stopped and readily rendered assistance when the accident happened.

6.    I am so thankful that an ambulance was passing by the accident site when we did not even call for one.

7.    I am so thankful that some flesh and money for treatment and repairs, as well as some mobility, were the only things I lost in this accident. I gained much more than that.

8.    I am so grateful that so many people called or SMSed me to check if I was ok when they recieved the news of the accident.

Also, sometimes, one really needs to start to count his blessings more, instead of complaining how bad their life is:

1.    I was so touched that how a particular friend ALWAYS takes note of my MSN nick, and would come forward to ask if I was ok when my nick seems emo. After which, she will never fail to cheer me up. Really grateful to have such a friend. Thanks Madeline!

2.    I am so happy to be saved. So touched that after so many years, He was still waiting, with arms open, for me to go to him. He even sent people around me to lead me into His path. All the great people, Luis, Why Chen and her mum, who have never gave up to serve His purposes, to help me be saved. And of course, Natalie, who was with me when I finally decided to give myself to Him.

3.    I am so grateful to have a friend to talk with whenever I feel down or just not myself. He is always willing to spend hours to meet up for a coffee and chat with me.
Thanks Zheng Xiang!

However, even though He has been teaching us to be content with what we have, there are of course still things I really wished for…because till now, she still doesn’t know all these that had happened. How I wished she was the first one to know. How I wished she was the first one who was at the hospital. But none did came true.
It pains my heart that she was being bullied and insulted the very night I was in the hospital, all due to the lustful nature of men. Lust is a sin. I can only pray for her. Please discourage her from visiting those places again, and even if she did, please protect her from all those lustful men. For I can only pray, for she still doesn’t know.

Above all, I know You are the one that have been protecting me. Above all, I am thankful for all Your blessings. I want to walk with you, even closer to you. I pray for strength to overcome all the obstacles, to deal all the objections I will face in the future, to face all the challenges of my faith in You. For I know You have the best plan for me, bringing the best partner for me, to serve Your purpose. No amount of reasoning can demolish Your impeccable Truth.

The stars were out,
the night was clear.
I was all alone,
sitting by the pier.
Soft wave crashes by,
people fishing tied,
all seems to be alright,
unlike all the recent rainfall cries.
Cosmo is still at its standstill,
but when can I find my heart to be still?
Closest acquaintances can share my joy,
but can anyone understand
how full my glass is being filled?
The deepest in me surfaces,
only during in the midst of common slumber.

Nothing has changed all these years,
perhaps only the rising warmth and sea levels.
But standing right before the wave crashes,
is a man whose troubles can never reside
like the sea before his tears.
He is a changed man,
for better or for worse.
Only himself knew,
if he was for the better,
for he would not have been standing by the sea,
at the forsaken hour.
Borrowing the harmful burning mist in hand,
he could not be for the better.

If only she knew.

Such a man is never good enough,
he should just give up.
No man who stands before the sea,
spending time sinking in sorrows,
should ever be made for her.
If Thou have a better plan,
please give her the best.
For I am not the one,
who fits into Thy plan.
Till I know who I really am,
please give her all that Thou have.
For she is precious,
as a daughter in Thy eyes.
She definitely deserves better,
as precious in Thy eyes.

Tears can only fall,
when the next rain falls.

If only she knew.
If only she did not know.

-West Coast 0248 hours

There are so many things around me that warrant changes in me. It is scary, frightening, and very much uncomfortable. Friends around me are shocked with my new habits, new behaviours. Frankly speaking, I don’t like it myself too. It took me aback when I saw the face of one of my friends when he got to know about one of the new habits I acquired recently. I hate that habit. It is not me, again.

This period shall be the most remembered as the worst period of my life. Period of uncertainties, choices, and bad decisions. A time when I am not myself, a time when I put my heart too easily into people and things.

Why should I carry on setting goals because of someone whom I can’t be beside with? Whom doesn’t even know I am there for her, and worse still, doesn’t even know she is all i ever needed? I should be back to myself, and let things be what it should be. She has got her life and I got mine, they never intersected and never will. I dunno if I can give her what she wants, though I am willing to give her all that I have. I don’t have the courage to let her know, I don’t want to lose a great friend. It is not time, and it seems that it is never the time. Unless God has another plan. You have sent people to be around her to take care of her, and I know I am not needed. Please continue to take care of her.

We shall see how it goes. Back to my original plan. None of my loved ones shall suffer.

At this age, I must say it is really difficult for one to continue and stay at where they are. We must move on. Unless we are not provided with the opportunity, or have not even seen the opportunity, otherwise it is really difficult for us to just sit back and give ourselves a pat on our own backs for whatever we have achieved so far.

There are two reasons for saying so: Firstly, at this age, I have realised all that I have achieved are only medals achieved for competing in a fish tank. Just too meagre, and sad to say, useless and insignificant. Secondly, I have am starting to know people with great ambitions, working on them, and making progress. Looking to them, what great importance are certificates of merit and distinctions in studies are people talking about?

What is important is direction. Gone are the days where I only worry if I should attend tutorials or lectures. Gone are the days where my greatest concern was whether I could achieve distinction so that letter ‘A’s and *s could decorate my certificate of graduation. Unless it could guarantee an income that can put my life at ease, where I could stop worrying about being able to feed myself, live in a good property, ability to have my own car, and most importantly, free myself from the possible crisis that might arise due to sudden fall of critical illness on my family or myself, a good certificate is only a piece of good looking paper. I realised a good degree, be it masters or sometimes even doctorate degree, is only a key to a good job, a good job that only served the purpose of the bosses. Thinking back, I felt that I had been rather foolish to treat failing a certain exam as the end of the world.

Recently, whenever I enter McDonald’s and see the people over the counter slogging their guts out just for a meagre pay, I couldn’t help it but to ask myself: Do I want to be like them and work all their lives for some other people but only to earn a meagre pay? Why should I slog my guts out to work for others, when they are as many opportunities out there to make others work for me?

It took me a while to come to this conclusion. All my life, I have been brought up to believe in the absolute importance of a degree, such that without it, i would die. I was rather doubtful with any other ways that seemed to promised success without a degree.

But now, I have become convinced in doing otherwise. I was with somebody today who told me: "Statistics have shown, no millionaires in this world have achieved their financial status by solely holding a stable job and working for others." This was a big wake up call for me. I have never realised that there are too many people in this world who dreams to be a millionaire, but at the same time only believe in a stable income and working for others all their lives. I concluded I will not want to be like that. I don’t want to work for others all my life. Achieving financial freedom is not only a dream anymore.

A stable income can never guarantee the freedom from suffering when crisis hits. I will not want it to become a family crisis if any of my family members go down with any illness. I shall strive for my family, my loved ones, and my future family. They shall not suffer under any materialistic cause. It is time I pay back and show my gratitude to them for nurturing me into a strong and able 20 years old man. It shall be my motivating force.

One good friend told me: "If you want to do it, nothing can stop you from doing it. You will go all out to destroy any obstacles that stands in between you goal and you."

Nothing shall stop me.

No it is not about the TV serial.

Just trying to post another blog about my thoughts. I am sure you must be tired with reading about all my blogs about me being lost, lifeless, goal-less and stuff. Yes, even I am tried writing about all this myself, tired being lost and feeling empty. Just treating this as a journal. I am just writing down all these stuff for writing sake. Maybe also as a way to release myself too. Pardon me.

Maybe I should post this after my 2 full years of NS, but I think since it is ending also, might as well. Prepare for some rattle again about my NS experience.

I think I have made many wrong decisions. One of it is to decide to give it all while in NS. If you were to ask me what my NS experience was, I would not say it sucks or it rocks like many others would comment. I would say I gave too much.

I gave my heart and soul, I sacrificed my time, energy, and all the resources I could muster to help in the organisation of many major events within the army’s context. What did I get or achieve in the end? I could not care about recognition and credit for the least. Should not even be talking about getting extra pay for going the extra mile and burning midnight oil. I do not even get the empathy. There weren’t even "oh Zi Cheng had done quite some work, let’s not task him anymore" s heard from the bosses’ mouth. I just kept getting further ‘arrows’ from the them.

Maybe I have worked too much. People are too dependent on those who are doing more work. This is the thing about government sector, not only in the army. Those who worked are bullied, those who does not are left forgotten in one corner. Though not trusted, they are not tasked to do anything at all.

It is only now that I start to reflect about all the things I have done since I enter school. Where is all the passion and drive that I used to have when I was in NCC, in JJC as an OGL? I used to look forward to the each day at its beginning. Now I sigh at the end of each day. This is because I used to look forward to the new opportunities and challenges that might come each day, but now I sigh because nothing much is being accomplished each day.

I realised I am getting further away from my ambitions and goals I had when I was schooling. All the talk about being a doctor, or a police officer, now seems impractical. I can forget about medicine faculty, because I came from the wrong JC. With the big hooha about Dave Teo Ming, I am thinking thrice, four times, and or maybe even five times about signing on a uniformed service like the police force.

Looking back, there used to be so much drive. I am still able reminisce traces of such drive even while watching videos juniors leading their orientation groups during the orientation camps in JC. Now all that drive and passion are all gone. I need to find it back to set my direction in life back. My direction was lost when ambition and aspirations started to blur.

I also have many regrets. I have only gone through 20 years of my life and I already have regrets. Maybe it is human greed for greater success, or maybe I made just too many mistakes.

I have not taken up many of the roles tasked to me properly with the best of my abilities. Looking on how much Fuhua Secondary School had grown, I regret not commiting into being the Head Prefect. I had failed to play the role in spearheading the foundation setting of the student body. I had failed to set a student custom and culture that could be passed down through generation of students. I had also failed to commit into NCC. Being the pioneer USM, I could have spent my time planning for training programs which could be used as reference for future generations of cadet leaders. Instead, I failed to listen to advice and got involved in a relationship. It is not that the relationship had harmed me, but it had taken up all my time, which I could use to commit into creating the better for the school. I had failed the power and responsibility bestowed upon me as such. In a way, I am a let-down for many of my mentors and the principle whom had high expectations on me.

I feel guilty for being one of the main contributor in creating all the power struggle during the secondary school days, and all the dispute between classmates taking different subject combinations. Great wounds were inflicted, and great scars could still be seen now. Now I realise how childish I was then, as the fact was that I could not even compare to Justin when I could not fulfill even the most basic responsibility as the head of the student body - to commit time for the school.

I regret.

Perhaps it is true when people say criminals reflect the most before judgement day. I finally get the meaning.

People like to go overseas for holidays. Some like to see the beautiful sceneries that are absent in their own nation, some like to get a taste of other culture, while other purely like to spend their time relaxing in a foreign land.

There are popular countries or states to go to, like Japan, Australia, Britain, US, France, Italy, Venice and Haiwaii, often chosen for the various reasons stated above. Would you want to go to places like Iraq, Afganistanistan, Myanmar and Sri Lanka. Maybe you would, but often after thinking thrice. I do not have to elaborate the reason here.

Humans always glamorise and seek for the better side of world, and ignore the more chaotic, more troubled side of the world. We have become so indulged in it that we often discuss about chaos in peace. For example, debating among high school students about who’s right and who’s wrong in an armed comflict within an air-conditioned theatre, learning about reasons behind wars in a classroom nicely decorated with festive wishes like ‘merry christmas and happy new year’, and holding international summits, conferences and mulitlateral talks in posh, 5-star hotels.

I was also particularly stunned with the way many high-ranking military personnel behaved in the organising of certain South-East Asia nations alliance’s defence ministers meeting. OK, it was obvious the topic of the meeting was about defence issues. It puzzled me when it was held in a well known local 5-star hotel. Yes it was natural that the organisation of this meeting was taken charge by the local military, but it stunned me when high-ranking military officers were not very concerned about what were the issues that were going to be brought up during the meeting, but rather they were more concerned about how the environment was being set up. They even went down to checking on nitty gritty details like how the fonts of certain displays were supposed to look like, how certain curtains should be placed, and how certain cutlery settings should be adjusted. I mean these things should be taken care of by lower ranking officers and personnel. Why should these high ranking personnel be bothered by these details when they should be more concerned with the military issues brought up during the meeting? These issues could very well influence the direction of command of the armed forces at least for the next few years! I am really puzzled when it looked as though they were not at least concerned when all they speak of were the running of the event. I am even more puzzled when they looked more nervous when discussing about the details than making public speeches, as though their heads will literally roll if any VIPs were to make bad comment on any of these details. I think that heads WILL literally roll instead if they are not concerned about the military issues discussed! Is face value more important than the military issues discussed which warrants more immediate attention?

I am also baffled when I realised it is becoming a trend to involve golf games and spouses in multilateral military meetings. I got a glimpse of the video that was to be shown before a dinner attended by the defence ministers, and I saw shots taken during the golf games played by the ministers as part of the meeting event. I find it a joke and disgrace to include the golf games photos in the video! Why should people be so proud of playing games of golf during a DEFENCE minister meeting? And what had spouses got to do with DEFENCE???

Maybe you might say that I am too serious -or even naive- for feeling this way, as you might tell me that all these games and dinners which are organised on top of the main meeting are in attempt to enhance multilateral relationships and foster stronger multilateral ties, which in the larger picture, benefit the countries in the long run. But I believe there should be more active ways to do achieve this aim, rather than holding meeting in a 5-star posh hotel, in midst of gala dinners, golf games, spouses and wines. A more realistic view should be taken in such summits when there are STILL very real problems of unrest in countries within the region, like in Myanmar and Southern Thailand.

Do you think this is ironic? I find it very much so. If you were to ask me how such meetings should be done then, I would say that it should be held in the countries facing unrest itself, free from the comfort zone. I believe better solutions could be formulated when the top people get to see buckets of blood splashed on the streets instead of glasses of wine held in their own hands.

Of course people are more unwilling, and lot more coordination needs to be done, like getting the governement of the subject nation to agree to the holding of the meetings on their land. But wouldn’t this be more worth it if better solutions could be found to solve the unrest and conflicts, and to stop even more blood and lives lost?

Maybe it all boils down to the workings and effectiveness of multi-national associations. If this is really the trend and the mutually-agreed way of working, I really do not have confidence that such alliances and associations can really stop the next world war from happening.

With even more deadly nuclear weapons present now, which destructive power and quantites were unheard of during the last world war, the world will definitely be destroyed faster by a WWIII than Global Warming.

Continuing….

I am sorry that the irritating email notifying that ‘Zi Cheng has updated his blog’ had once again appeared in your mailbox. But maybe you will not even recieve my apologies as you might already have deleted the mail, with your mind thinking ‘aiyah, another Zi Cheng’s chim blog’

You might think it is chim because it is not the kind of blog most people have, which records personal history. I do not know what is the purpose to post such blogs. Maybe as a diary? But why would anyone want to read somebody else’s diary? o.O

My purpose for posting my blog in this way, is to put down my thoughts and worries, because I need people to read. I need people to read because I need advice. It is not a blog which I post for the sake of posting or to occupy time.

And also, I like it this way. It is also a channel to organise my thoughts for reflection.

It is not even chim. Perhaps some of you are thinking I am naive and immature instead, Perhaps some of you whom think that blogging is a waste of time might be thinking ‘Zi Cheng is so pathetic that he have to pour his worries on a blog’. Perhaps some of you might think that you have better things to do at such a time of the night, like restoring energy for the following day to go all out again to earn your big bucks, and think that bloggers are naive. Perhaps you might think that Zi Cheng should get a life.

Perhaps.

Right. There are so many perhaps now. So many options to choose from. So many thoughts going through my mind. Like Mid-Life Crisis, I term this situation as Post-Teen Crisis, and I would say this symptom is unique only in Singapore.

Singaporean children (I mean children who are born, studied and grew up here and do not face with financial, domestic, health and academic problems. There are many) are living in a sheltered environment. See it for yourself. Have you ever worried about what primary school you have to enter when you were six? Did you ever need to worry about where to go after you graduate from primary school, secondary school, or for some even JC? Did you ever worry about what modules of education you can choose from when the only education syllabus in Singapore is the Cambridge’s? If yes, the destination of choice still often lies within the Singapore context, where all the planning are already done by the government. It seems to me that many a times, the future for Singaporean children had been planned for. Thanks PM Lee for accusing local graduates for lacking entrepreneurship to allow me realise this.

It is only up till now that I REALLY start to worry about the future. All the while when people ask me “what you wanna be in the future”, I have always been giving random replies, in attempt to save my own face, as I did not have any serious aspirations in mind to work towards to. I believe most of the time when people ask their peers “what you wanna be in the future”, its most of the time for comparison, for self-confidence boosting, or looking for prospective business target. At least these are always the reason why I ask, I don’t know if is true for you.

Bet you didn’t know that. That is why I changed my blog title to the current one. These are deep down thoughts. Deep down thoughts that I want you to know. Deep down thoughts that I want you to know hoping to recieve your comments and advice.

It came down to me that I really dunno what I wanna be. But like other people, I only have the end results that I want in mind. I want to earn lotsa money, to travel round the globe, to have my own car, to live in a bungalow with a grand piano and a huge backyard, etc.

However, I have not seriously thought about the answer to the most important question in life: What do I wanna do to achieve all these, while in the process enjoy and love what I are doing?

Of course there are many ways on how I can achieve all my dreams. But the tricky part lies in “in the process enjoy and love what I am doing”. Many a times people worked all their life hating their job, and some in the end did not even fulfill their dreams set when they were young.

I still cannot answer to “what I wanna be in the future”. I have several choices to choose from. I even came up with a table to weigh the possibilities between some careers I would love to take on with the careers that can make my dreams come true faster. It was not very useful though. I ended up undecided still. However in the process I realised there isn’t a career which can I love and at the same time allow me to achieve my dreams fast. Many a times we can’t have the cake and eat it, face it.

Unless someday I will start to love a career in which I can earn big bucks fast. And I think that is very much based on affinity with the career, which cannot very much be controlled. It makes me wonder even more how it can be done, which in turn frustrate me more.

This has been what’s on my mind recently, ever since being reminded that I am going to be kicked out of the comfort zone, to graduate from the grow-up plan laid by the Singapore Government for SIngapore children. In other words, I am going to ORD from the 2 years of National Service. I omitted the adjective for “National Service” in attempt to protect myself from further trouble. I mean “further trouble” as in literally. Those who know what I mean, you know. Feel free to ask if you don’t, and I will explain to you the meaning behind the adjective I would use with all that I can so that you will understand the reason behind for using the adjective.

After much thinking, I realised that I have been too undecided with the choices on my hand. I have been thinking too much of ‘what if’s. I have been exploring too much on what I should not and will not want to do.

I came up with a principle - Do what you think you should be doing, enjoy it, don’t regret.

And I should also start exploring what I can do and will want to do.

I realised that one should never never run away from reality. Or we will find ourselves wasting time worrying. Alson once told me, there is no such thing as no choice, as there is always a choice. It only depends whether one can bear the consequences for making the choice.

I think I am writing this in a way like an email. If there was a ‘high importance’ sign which can be tagged on this entry (those who uses microsoft outlook express, and of course, those with an ‘ISAC card’, will know), I would have used it. Using that function means the message/ mail requires acknowledgement/ reply. In this case I ask for your comment and advice.

If you coincidentally are in the same dire straits as I am, please share with me how you are managing and dealing with me. I really like to know what are the choices which you have.

However, if you are still in the comfort zone, try to get yourself out of it. If you do not even realise that you are in the comfort zone, read -> If you realised you have not experienced hardship (not from some school camps that you have gone through) and yet thinking that you are suceeding in life, you ARE in the comfort zone, still stuck in Singapore’s very own ‘grow-up plan’ and competing with fishes in a fish tank. Yes you are succeeding…….in following successfully with the ‘grow-up plan’. For guys, if you still have not even gone through NS, most likely you are still lying comfortably in the zone, as the future might still seem far to you. Just like how I thought before I enlisted. You will not feel so comfortable once the reality of ORD has downed upon you, when you will realise it is tomorrow when you will need to go out and work to feed yourself, or to further your studies in a university where you will need to get a degree to secure a good job (we shall not discuss what is a ‘good’ job. I know people in business or marketing will definitely argue). You will start to feel the need to survive to become more and more immediate, and start to fear that your dreams will not be fulfilled.

They say “everyday is a learning day”, and I think I am starting to understand the meaning further each day.

I learn something at every reflection. What about you? Care to share?